A year study from the University of Michigan found that the risk of divorce increased 20 percent when wives were closer to their husband's parents. This may be because his folks' well-meaning behavior is easy to interpret as meddling and undermining of your parenting choices. Sound familiar? Talking over the problem—that you love his parents, but want to make sure you and he are united in decisions when they involve your kids—is essential, say experts.
Most men don't have the same emotional ties to food that women do, so when the doughnuts at the bakery look delicious, he sees no reason not to order a dozen. And, even though they may mess up your diet , his sweet offering may have a not-so-obvious benefit—a recent study from Ohio State University found that keeping your blood sugar steady is key for minimizing spats.
Simply let him know you love him and doughnuts! Directly addressing the situation like it's no big deal is the easiest option, since that's exactly what it is to him, says Jamie Turndorf , Ph. Between camp pickups, work drama , and an overflowing inbox, it's no secret that it's flat-out harder for women to get in the mood when they have a lot on their minds.
But following his lead, especially when you're both stressed, may not be a bad idea. Research finds that a regular and active sex life is key for a happy marriage—and building up to the act can make it even better. Whether it's sending sexy texts during the day, putting the kids to bed so you can take a long shower, or letting you pick the Netflix movie, tell your husband what might get you going.
That way, foreplay starts well before you two hit the sheets. Even though he may have purchased that flat screen as a surprise for you, the fact that the two of you didn't discuss a big purchase is a problem—and may indicate that you need to have an honest conversation about financial transparency, says Taibbi.
This common complaint is often rooted in misunderstanding—your husband just may not know how you want to be appreciated, says Turndorf. Would you like compliments for your efforts at home? A passionate kiss every morning? The occasional surprise bouquet? Although it sounds anything but romantic to spell out what you want, experts agree that clarity is the best way to ensure that the appreciation keeps flowing.
And remember: Gratitude goes both ways. Sprinkle just-because compliments into your conversations and they're likely to come back to you. You expect to have to tell your kid to put their dishes in the sink or walk the dog but your husband? You'd think he would be able to see a basic household need — like a garbage can with no liner or a crying child — and jump in to fix it without being told.
Yet so many wives say they have to call their husbands' attention to basic things and then instruct them in how to do them. It's not just anecdotal. A study found that not only do women do the lion's share of the housework but both genders also expect that this will be the case and think that men just aren't as good at that kind of thing.
Not true! If you don't want this situation to continue in your household, it's time to speak up. Sure, you wish you didn't have to tell him but letting him know what you're thinking is a much better way of getting the help you desperately need.
Men snore twice as much as women , thanks to their larger oropharynx the space behind the tongue. But even though it's understandable during daylight hours , it doesn't make it less irritating. Women already lose more sleep to children and insomnia than men do so when he wakes you up with his nighttime noise, it can feel downright personal. There are ways to help stop a snoring dude , however.
From small adjustments, like using a humidifier or nasal strips, to bigger things, like a CPAP machine or surgery, you've got options. Although it may seem simpler to beg for forgiveness instead of ask for permission, unilateral decision making can drive you two apart. Mothers often parent differently than fathers, but not necessarily better.
For instance, some studies show that parenting styles more common with dads, such as rough-and-tumble play, offer children unique developmental benefits. Studies show that seeking and granting forgiveness greatly contributes to marital satisfaction and longevity. But beware of empty words.
While apologizing manages conflict, Dr. To truly earn your partner's forgiveness, you need to show that you understands why they're upset. Haltzman recommends being specific about what you're apologizing for, accepting responsibility for what you did, acknowledging that you what you did was harmful and lastly, asking what you can do to make it up to them.
Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. All of the Best Chocolate Advent Calendars. Feeling like you contribute more than your partner. Spending too much time on your phone. Not enough sex. Not fighting fair. Treating your partner like a child. Carlina Teteris. Involving other people in your marriage. Catherine Falls Commercial. Not showing appreciation for things they do right. How would I format said letter? Once it finnally comes out, it is a freight train, unloading on him.
On the same hand his resentment build towards you for not being able to just talk about things as they come up. I experience this with my wife now and am so completely frustrated. I ask again and finnally quit asking because I have opened the line of conversation numerous times and she refused to speak about it.
Men need it as it comes, not in Mass bulk, you will never get anywhere if you let it build. I try to explain this to my wife and it falls on deaf ears, I hope this gives you some insight from a male perspective, and wish you the best in your marriage. After marriage she wanted a couple of years to process it.
Any advice you can offer would be a blessing. Having kids is a huge decision that will affect everyone your family knows. The last thing you want to do is give kids a home where their very existence causes resentment. Thank you for taking this to prayer. With careful counseling there may be a way to benefit both parties.
Some points to consider are parenting classes, adoption or birthing, which parent could give up their career to initially stay home with the child if that is desired, financial burden of children. Also, do everything you can to make sure your marriage is rock-solid with or without kids, because each new family member changes your family dynamic and the adjustment can initially be very difficult.
There is no compromise in whether you want children or not. Those ones who want children, really want children. For the most part, women are the ones who give up the most when they have children. Who wants to deal with that?! It will definitely end in resentment either way.
This comes off as negative but sometimes reality is. Would you trust a resentful woman to take total care of your newborn, your non-verbal crawler, your terrible 2 toddler? There are women who are just like you. They want children but they are married to someone who is anti-children. If you want to keep the marriage yet really want children you could try something that might work.
In our religion the principle is that if one of the partners wants something that is expected in marriage, ie children by any party, exclusive income via the husband, etc, than that is a right that the other cannot forego and has to respect the others need as part of wellwishing for the other. If you can adopt that principle in your marriage as part of fairness and taking care of the others well being, then both parties will be liable to make it work.
That way they will feel fairly dealt with and not taken advantage of. You have to leave her and find someone who shares your same life goals immediately. Think about it: every marriage is a cross-cultural marriage in one respect or another and navigating that without intentionality and care can land both people in big trouble. For example, my husbands family interrupts all the time! There are so many of them, its the only way you get a word in edge-wise.
My family on the other hand, interruptions are the height of bad form, yell before you interrupt. So us coming together and away from resentment had to come to a place of communicating our comfort levels, being honest when the other person messed up either in interrupting, or over-reacting when interrupted.
This is a silly example, but the point is, men and women speak different languages, different things mean something different to them, like for example a razing joke. Then add in the cross cultural differences and that complicates everything. In short, "My spouses perspective and my own differ, but it is just that…perspective a point of view. It is not enough to write what people should know, but people are dying for a tool, a way, an example, some guidance.
Please take the time to respond- Thanks. In my marriage thE resentment may be too much to overcome. Done hitting my head against the wall. Why does there need to be a response for a blog post to be useful? Does a book author need to respond to all questions from readers in order for a book to be useful? Any question asked or answer offered is an iceberg: this much showing above the surface, and much, much more below the surface.
Most of the responses I see here suggest personal experience with pain, frustration with not being heard or understood, and things along those lines. Did it just this morning in less than 30 minutes, in fact. In such circumstances, there are no easy answers. Simple or straight forward, possibly, but not easy. You have to work daily to communicate with someone who speaks a foreign language.
So… using counseling techniques like a Talking Stick person holding the stick, wooden spoon, etc. Then you trade. No talking while the other person had the spoon, only Active Listening. Whether 1 or both spouses see a trustworthy counselor, anything from family baggage to post abuse to unhealthy communication to unfair fighting patterns could be underlying the problem. So… not easy answers. I would just like to understand? She then moves around the table often loudly pulling kids up on negative things they are doing, and soon the meal is ruined.
Another example if I have a cup of tea and make a slight noise when drinking she goes mad, about how inconsiderate I am. Sanity check — Is this reasonable behaviour, or am I evil?
But why does my wife do this? Probably because she is already resentful of you for many other reasons. I myself do this and I am full of resentment. So nothing he does is right and everything is irritating to me. Married for 15 years and all of our talks have fallen on deaf ears and nothing has changed.
Every day is painful in a resentful relationship. I feel for you with you, actually, being in one myself, but on the receiving end of the resentment At least you understand and admit that you are resentful. You have really 3 choices, right? You have to decide to be happy, and stop using your spouse as an excuse as to why you are unhappy.
If your happiness is contingent upon the behavior of another, you are doomed. Your happiness should only be contingent upon what you do in life. She may not herself know the root cause of her anger towards you, she can only see the everyday irritation. We need God in our marriage. Not to be selfish, not to put ourselves first.
When we marry we are as one. God comes first. What we watch on Netflix …, well does that really matter? Build up your spouse! Read the Bible.
God and Jesus are our fullment. Not our spouse!!! Divorce sucks! But separate or take time for yourself. Figure out what you want, what you need. So many men and women stay in unhappy marriages and will remain unhappy until someone dies, becomes sick or what ever. Life is supposed to be lived to the fullest. Amen to this! Ugh I give up. My husband said the same to me. He moved out, saying he cannot return until things change. Meaning I change. The therapist has explained that our lives are so intertwined, he projects his insecurities onto me.
It shows vividly to others who get it.. Most often one spouse caters to their family and never visits the other. Sometimes after 40 years they do not know your sisters name.
I always feel slighted and last. If a brother and spouse have the same disease the brother is different and gets more of the concern. Most of the time it does not change. You can not talk to spouse they are always checking in every half hour and God forbid if you interrupt. Prayer changes things keep the faith and God wii pay them.
I have resentment. My Spouse within the past year has been distant and we have not had any intimacy for last two years. Prior to that imtimacy has been a chore. Meaning only one was interested but ithe other wanted no parts.
The resementment is two fold. For years i chased took my eldset son around in pursuit of a potential baseball career which took me away many weekends. At times i asked her to come but wasnt interested because we had other kids. I ignored her i am not saying it was intentional but nonetheless it deosnt matter.
The other is my eldest son is addicted to mariquana and had his stints in and out if court. I did all I could do to help him stay out of jail. Now he his in our home on house arrest which putting a scrain While I can not change the past i believe she will never let me off the mat.
She doesnt want to do anything together…it hurts. I cant have marriage where there is no imtimacy i I too takeva job far from mybresident to helpnpay for the mound of. My wife has confessed she resents me because I am so happy all the time. What do I do about that? I work full time, earning good money sending kids to good school.
We live in a nice but small house. She spends all day and most evenings at the gym or out with friends eating out for lunch every day. Should I give up? I can relate to what you are saying and wish I could offer some sort of help.
I often wonder if I should give up too. Was she always moody, judgy? If not when did it change and figure out what happened at that time. My cousins wife discovered hiking, running and soon was never home.
Maybe she is dealing with some other deep issue. Talk to her calmly and be a good listener…no comments or advice just listen. Give her a few weeks and let her know you are there for her. After a month or so offer her a way out if she has not made an effort…trial separstion ask if she is willing to see a counselor if not then offer a divorce.
She just does not like being domesticated. Good luck. Sound a lot like what I am going through. Constantly being with friends and at the gym or crossfit. I tried weekends away, expensive gifts, etc. Nothing worked. No I just found out that she is having an affair. Her big thing is she resents me for thing things in the past. We have 3 kids, our first when we were just 18, had some bumps in the road for sure but I thought we had gotten over them. Is there any chance to save our marriage?
Nice Post. I was in a marriage for 12 years and it was very troubled. I get verbally abused every time and have been physically assualted with major police involvement. Through the marriage I realised that I was the one doing everything, kids, trash, cooking, kids activities, stayed in an unhappy job as he was always out of work and it became too much. He would complain whenever I asked for help, shouted at me and I got scared asking and was gradually getting weaker by the day as I worked my self for exhaustion every day.
I always had two jobs, one full time and one part time and yet he would still. Call me useless. He comes from Mormon faith, very traditional gender roles, I am a very independent person who is old fashion to an extent but feels men and women are equal and help one another. I told him clearly what my needs were in the beginning but he just did the minimal or nothing.
Yet he has expectations he needs met. This is my first marriage, his 3rd we are in late 40s-early fifties. We met in high school after 35 years met again. He grew resentful and so did I. I left because my mind is set, he wants me back but I left before and all he does is damage control.
For the men out there if a woman is past hurt, past crying and just angry and wants to leave…. If she doesnt want to talk, work things out it is too late. She is beyond changing her mind. Let her go be happy and you find happiness too. The heart heals. After 14 years I decided to stop resenting.
We have fine life and just ignored problems. I felt so alone. So resentful. I am sure wife feels similar — but talking is hard. I am doing things daily to change — and wish she would make a similar effort.
So I just love and pray she can stop the resentment of me as I have done of her. He never asks anything about me or the kids. I see a lot of frustration and unanswered questions. Is any one monitoring this site??? Answers would be helpful. This hits home for me my husband and I have been together going on 15 years and married 10 years I was a second wife and also I was raising his 9 month old son by his previous marriage and 5 years in I got pregnant and in a sense pushed him to marry me I think he did it because it was the right thing to do but my wedding was less than minimal and all these years later I still hold resentment because I felt I deserved more not a dream wedding in a castle or anything but at the time I found out I was pregnant we were about to leave for a beach vacation and I begged him to let us get married there but he said he didnt want to ruin the vacation so I ended up at the justice of the peace 7 months pregnant I feel guilty for not being able to let this go and the resentment I hold is real how can I let this go I mean 15 years and still our wedding anniversary is not something I celebrate because it wasnt a day of celebration why do I still carry this around how can I let this go.
My husband told me he resents me, and I feel its on purpose because I told him I resent him. I consistently tell him what my issues are as they come and he never wants to hear them, flips the issue and blames me all the time. Tells me how he tries to do things to make our marriage work, but in reality he does the same thing over and over again.
Every issue I have with him, he flips it and blames me for the issue later. I can never come to him and tell him how I feel because my feelings are dismissed and I am quite upset because we have been living in our new home for 2 yrs but together for 13, but I am about ready to go. The fact that he doesnt see why I react the way I do, after I told him, and the nerve of him to tell me he is unhappy because I am not bringing anything to the table or catering to his needs is crazy.
I feel like I always put him first and am losing myself in the process because of it. That is not who I am as a person, nor do I have the energy for that. Sounds like it goes both ways. Totally feel you. Been trying to communicate in healthy ways and heal from this resentment that I feel towards my husband who stonewalls me, gaslights me and just plain disregards my feelings all the time. He has a hard time accepting responsibility for his actions and therefore, everything is my fault so I get blamed instead of validated.
I believe that there are some deep rooted issues here but that he is unwilling to figure out what they are. We did start counseling but until he is willing to face his demons and figure out where all of this negative self loathing is coming from then I am afraid that we will not be able to move forward and divorce is on the horizon.
He admitted tonight that he still harbors resentment from behaviors from 27 years ago even though I sincerely apologized. This makes it impossible to have faith in our ability to move past this when he is negative, suffers from depression and anxiety and is unwilling to admit when he is wrong. I guess pride is one of his problems but not sure where else these feelings are coming from. I am a loving wife and want to help him be the best version of himself but not at the expense of my mental health.
This is a pretty great post. Any tips or anything you would recommend me to avoid? Not good. Each time I tried to talk him he will flip it and blame it on me. Our issues were never resolved for last 10 years as blaming is not communication. But when your spouse is just so unwilling to listen and then make the changes that are best for the relationship- there is just no hope left. I have a question. I got caught lying to my wife. Is he holding restaintment over me? So to answer your question, yes, she is resentful.
Most people would take months, even years, if at all, to get over a breach of trust like that. I resent my husband significantly! Almost despise him. I hate it. I hate them and him. Now we have a child. And I wish I just divorced this narcissist!!!! Is self centered self focused. And this is the tough part. He may not even realize how this behavior is affecting you and even if you tell him he may just block it out. Because he is so self centered. My wife and I got married 6 years ago when we learned we were going to be having a baby.
We had been dating a year or so when we were married, did not know each other well and our relationship went down hill quickly with stress of pregnancy snd dealing with new baby. I tried to divorce her a few times but she refused to cooperate and threatened to take our daughter away from me, so I stayed. I love my daughter more than anything on earth, being away from her pains me and I worry about how she would be if alone with her mother — which is largely why I stayed.
Now we have a second baby who was just born and I am kicking myself for not leaving earlier. I know I will love this new child also, but I am tormented by the mother who does not appreciate or respect me — and I have tried very hard to make it work.
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